Six Words That Changed My Life
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Six Words That Changed My Life

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April 25, 2016

Written by: Charles Russell

Human beings are quite resilient. We are able to bounce back from most of life’s mistreatments. Except, as strong as we like to think we are, or should be, we are really very fragile and just like glass, when we are mishandled we break. If we are smashed it’s not always easy to remember the way we were before we were damaged. It’s a bit like being a real life Humpty Dumpty, except my story is no fairytale.

In 2002, as an adult, I was sexually assaulted by a family member after they’d stolen a spare key in order to gain entrance to my home without permission. They assaulted me in order to satisfy their own predatory needs. As one can imagine, the experience was horrendous. The physical aspect mixed with the emotional trauma was something I don’t think I can ever fully explain. I never imagined that I would become a victim. I now sadly know that anyone, any age, any gender, any race is susceptible.

After the assault I obsessed. Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Of course these questions are just as ridiculous as saying a woman deserved to be raped because of the way she was dressed. Yet there are those who still perpetuate this sort of nonsense. None the less, the questions ripped at my brain.

Shock, disbelief, shame and guilt are just a few of the emotions that continually raged through me. My life as I had known it lay in shattered pieces. I didn’t say a word to anyone because I was so deeply humiliated and didn’t know how people would respond. Worst of all, I didn’t tell anyone because I was sure I wouldn’t be believed.

I isolated myself from those who cared for me. I put a distorted trust in others who did not have my best interest at heart. I learned to cope. I made unhealthy choices with alcohol and prescription drugs. For eight years I contemplated suicide. The perpetual state of depression I existed in not only affected my life but, also my children, family, co-workers and friends. I acted in a self-destructive manner basically doing whatever I could to lessen the pain and disgust of my secret.

I finally reached a breaking point. I needed to get help or face the grim reality that I would eventually succumb to my destructive lifestyle. So I reached out for help and in doing so found a men’s support group. I experienced the healing power of being able to let people know what I’d been through. Most significantly, I got to say it out loud. The men in my group listened with respect and genuine concern and wanted nothing other than to ease my suffering and help me face my fears in a healthy and healing way.  “What happened was not your fault.” were the words that forever changed my life. I started to see myself through the compassionate eyes of a support system and began to move from victim to survivor. The broken pieces started to mend.

I’m still on a journey to be completely whole again. There are many days when I still struggle because dark moments can flashback in a blink of an eye. But now I’m stronger.  Perhaps I’m even stronger than before the assault and now I have the courage to look at myself in the mirror without disgust. The face staring back knows I will never be silenced again. I am not broken beyond recognition… because I know TRUTH restores and saves shattered lives.

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